You with the Sad Eyes – A Memoir by Christina Applegate

You with the Sad Eyes - A memoir by Christina Applegate

F**k.

Despite that being the first word of this review, there is no shortage of words to describe this woman. Resilient. Dogged. Fighter. Modest/humble. Survivor. Ostensibly vulnerable, yet never weak. Funny, often self-deprecating with her humor and at times facetious. Most of all, human.

Very human.

So, before you start, I need you to get Kelly Bundy out of your head. It isn’t about her. Don’t get excited about, or look forward to, stories about Samantha Newly (Samantha Who?), Jen Harding (Dead to Me), Veronica Corningstone (Anchorman movies) or even her stint opposite Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons (yeah, I had no idea either … apparently Jason Bateman and Alfonso Ribeiro were regulars along with appearances by Matthew Perry, Sharon Stone, Joey Lawrence [whoa!] and Whitney Houston [a month before her first single, Saving All My Love For You, hit #1].

You With the Sad Eyes is not about any of them. This is about Applegate, and not a trip down memory lane with Bud, Peg and Al.

It is a very human story that talks about a less than enviable childhood, being drugged and sexually abused, breast cancer, and Multiple Sclerosis. It is about an angering and heartbreaking period of her life trapped in a relationship which was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive.

That was excruciating to read. It makes you better understand how women – regardless of fame, fortune, influence and appearances – can be trapped and feel unable to escape in abusive relationships for genuine fear of their life, and those they love. If it doesn’t, you’re a psychopath (yes, I know the difference between this and a sociopath).

It doesn’t matter who you are, or your station in life, thousands upon thousands of women live in fear of men who use varying forms of abuse to feel in power. These are small-minded, weak and insignificant little creatures who thrive on making women live in constant fear. Men who deserve to feel unspeakable and indescribable amounts of pain with little-to-no chance of reprieve, for the rest of their days.

As a woman I admire and love greatly once told me, “Forgiveness is God’s job, not mine.”

Applegate never says who he was, but I hope his name will surface one day and his comeuppance will be made public, and well documented.

It was a month before its release that I learned she had a book coming out. I was excited to hear everything about her, and I decided then and there I am going with the audiobook. I wanted to hear her tell me everything.

Well, she does.  So, prepare yourself. I’m nearly certain it will leave you stunned and wordless. I finished this book a week ago and didn’t feel right about saying anything until now.

Yes, the first word of this review began with a swear which began with an “f” ended with a “k,” and wasn’t firetruck. I am aware of this. But it was not used gratuitously to garner attention. It was because it was my first thought, and the first word which passed through my lips, moments after I finished.

Who knows? It might cross your mind, too.

This gets five stars from me but not only because of how it was written and or how well she narrated it (very well, I might add).   But also, because of how raw and exposed she let herself be.

It was staggering.

…and I am not going to call her brave for doing so, mostly because I do not like that word and think it is thrown around too frequently diluting its true meaning.  We are not talking about women and men who work in emergency services or ducking artillery in a bunker.  I will, however, use words like altruistic, enduring and doting – all hopefully received here as the very best of someone. A person whose life story can be a channel for those who come after, seeking help and the support they deserve, yet made to feel by others that they aren’t.

Well, they are deserving.

You are deserving.

… and she wants to make sure you know it.

The River Is Waiting

 by Wally Lamb

Wally Lamb has written an unforgettable novel in The River is Waiting. 

I can also tell you it is the hardest book I have read since A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. They’re completely different stories, mind you, but they have one thing in common. The subject matter is heavy. 

I mean HEAVY. 

It’s a lot. 

The story is centered around something that tragic that happened which may not sit well with some readers. It didn’t with me, to be frank. But someone whose opinion I value told me to stick with it. So I did. 

Damn her (lol).

A part of me is so glad I did. Wally Lamb is an exceptional writer. Exceptional. You probably already knew this and that’s the reason I continued. I love terrific writing. I also know I did the right thing in completing it. 

But if, as you read this, you’re getting some feelings of hesitancy from me, you’re not off base. It is because it demanded so much of my emotions. 

So much. 

When I closed the book I was exhausted. 

You can’t sit and read this and not look inward. Deeply inward. It’s not that kind of book.  The River is Waiting will require your undivided attention and you WILL give it. This is a book that will demand so much from you and you will let it. 

If you read it, all the way through to the end, you will have no choice but to surrender yourself to what has been asked of your heart. 

If you are not prepared for that to happen – and I am not bulls****ing you – do not read this book.

If you are, then buckle up buttercup.

I won’t give any spoilers of course, but … that ending? Damn.

It was so many things. It was beautiful and sincere. It was sweet and torturous. It fills your heart and gives you hope. It shreds it in two and devastates you. There was a sense of understanding which humanizes us. It did for me.

In it, I found grace.

But it’s really hard getting there.

Like I said, Lamb is an exceptional writer. Exceptional.

Talkin’ (re: Reading) Baseball

Ever since I heard of its release, I have wanted to read Molina: The Story of the Father Who Raised an Unlikely Baseball Dynasty.  In fact, there are tons of baseball books I want to read but I never make the time to do so.

The 2017 season will be different.

Since I was laid up for a week after knee surgery on May 23, I have torn through four books and am two-thirds of the way through a fifth.  I began with Molina, visited the animals at The Bronx Zoo, cringed at the Yips of a Phenom and rode the busses for a year with Baseball Gospels.  Currently I am avoiding bar fights with David Wells.

First I need to talk about Molina.

molinaTremendous.  Absolutely, positively tremendous.  A book where the heart of baseball, and how baseball was the heart of a lovely family, are beautifully intertwined.

Well written and difficult to put down, Molina’s book is a delightful, and at times emotional, story.  And although our pastime seemed like it was the center of it all, it wasn’t.  A love story, in fact, was.  It was one I felt I could relate to but on a significantly smaller scale.

Bengie, his Dad, his Mom, his brothers, his girls.  It’s a love story of a family in Puerto Rico.  It’s a love story on a workhorse of a baseball diamond, across the street from house he grew up in.  This is not a breakdown of game after game in his career.  In fact, one thing that impressed the heck out of me was the part about winning his first World Series.  Sure it was there, but it didn’t seem much more than a footnote.  Probably because as amazing an experience that was for him, his family was always #1 with him.  I loved that.  I loved that winning the WS was no more than three pages.  But dealing with significant lessons in life regarding his father?  So very many.  I will be forever happy Molina allowed us into his heart, the dugout and his life and equally as happy I finally took the time to read it.  I  hope every baseball fan I know, who appreciates the game and family, follows suit.

Lyle_editedI followed up with The Bronx Zoo and reminisced about my childhood Yankee teams that won the ’77 and ’78 World Series’.  So much fun.  I can see how this was a groundbreaking book in its time.  Plus, when you consider its author and Cy Young Award winner Sparky Lyle was a childhood favorite of mine and a bit of a local hero (Somerset Patriots), how could I not?

Next up, The Phenomenon: Pressure, the Yips, and the Pitch that Changed My Life by pitcher-turn-centerfielder Rick Ankeil.  I listened to this audiobook.  That may not have been the best approach but let me begin with the positives.  I was a fan of Ankeil when he came up and followed his first year closely (he was on my fantasy team).

ankeilWhen Game 1 of the playoffs against the Braves saw him throw five wild pitches in one inning, the baseball world witnessed something it does not normally see … especially from such a young kid with an expectedly amazing career on the mound.  The guy got the yips and in short, ended his pitching career.

But the reason I bought the book was not because of that day against the Braves.  It is because I have always been fascinated and in awe of Ankeil’s resilience to make it back to the Bigs.  It is an amazing story, one worth having a book written about it.  I am glad he is letting baseball fans like me know the depth of his difficulties with the yips, the monster, the thing and make it back to a successful baseball career.  But if I am being honest, the writing lacked some and although Rick has a cannon for an arm and a nice swing of the bat, that doesn’t translate to an enjoyable and/or engaging audio narration.  But damn, what a story.

haystackThen, I took a friend’s recommendation of Dirk Hayhurst’s books of life in the minors.  I picked up The Bullpen Gospels: Major League Dreams of a Minor League Veteran and laughed from start to finish.  I tore through it.  It was, by far, the single funniest baseball book I have ever read.  Even funnier than Jay Johnstone’s Temporary Insanity … and that was damn funny!  Hayhurst has written three more books since then and I am sure I will read them too; I just have a few other books in front of it.

One of which is Perfect I’m Not: Boomer on Beer, Brawls, Backaches, and Baseball by David Wells.

WellsTwo thirds of the way through it and I will tell you this.  Imagine yourself in a bar, throwing back mugs of beer and shots and sitting at a table with Wells.  He tells you one baseball story after another not giving a damn who is listening.  That is this book.  It has its fair share of mundane descriptions of some games, et al.  That said, it is hard to read a baseball book without it (although Molina did an exceptional job of that).

Next on the nightstand after Boomer?

Where Nobody Knows Your Name: Life in the Minor Leagues of Baseball by John Feinstein and The 33-Year-Old Rookie: How I Finally Made it to the Big Leagues After Eleven Years in the Minors by Chris Coste

I do love this game. Can ya tell?

Arthur Pepper Stands on His Own

With his beloved Miriam 12 months removed from this life and on to the next, Arthur Pepper discovers a charm bracelet he has never seen before and thus his adventure begins.

I will admit as much as I enjoyed this book – and I did, very much – there were times I found it predictable,  I also found no harm or foul in that.  Familiarity doesn’t always breed contempt and sometimes it has its place.  

I would, however, gently caution you with one thing…and this is NOT a spoiler.  When TheCuriousCharmsofArthurPepper-USAcover.jpgothers make comparisons to books like A Man Called Ove, The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry, Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk or the heartbreakingly beautiful novella And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer, it is my opinion that they shouldn’t.  I will tell you they have two things in common, which are.  (1) It is a story of someone in the autumn of their years and (2) our protagonist is a beautiful human being.

But they are different.  Ove is not Harold, nor are Lillian and Grandpa anything alike.  Same goes for Arthur.  They are all their own people, with their own set of circumstances, with their own sense of humor and troubles and family.  Outside the two similarities I noted, I think that’s about it.  

My point?  The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper stands on its own.  The book’s author is Phaedra Patrick and this is her debut novel.

A small confession on my part, I have found after reading this I seem to be drawn to books about those who are in the twilight of their years.  Books like the ones I mentioned above always seem to occupy that same spot in my heart, and The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper was no exception.

The short story is this: A year after a man in his late 60s has buried his wife of 40 years he comes across a charm bracelet of hers he had never seen before.  One charm leads to the next in its own way, providing vague/eerie/cryptic clues to a life before Arthur and Miriam became Arthur and Miriam.

I loved Arthur immediately.  Then I found I loved  his spirit and break from the routine as I got to know him.   I warmed at his patience in listening to others regale him with stories of this woman he spent the better part of his life with; this woman he thought he knew. This woman, the love of his life, who lived a life he never knew.

That may have been my favorite part of the book, his emotional growth.  Watching him separate himself from whom he has always been.  He became inspired by the memory of his wife.  Even at times when he seemed hesitant in wanting to know her history, he pushed to learn it anyway.  I think that was hard for him.   When he made those decisions it was if his own personal feelings no longer mattered.   Knowing more of his beloved Miriam was what he wanted  There was love, deep love, that persuaded him to reach further, and dig deeper.  I admired that in him.  He might be a bit of a stronger man than I, if I am being truthful.

A Book Group Discussion question I found asked if I were bereaved after a long marriage would I devise strategies and routines just to get through the day?  I singled out this question because I wondered the same thing as I was reading the book.

The answer is an indisputable yes.  I have already spent nearly eight years with Stacy and I have never known happiness like this in my first 40 years of living.  Give me 40 years hence with this same woman, growing together in love, friendship and companionship at the same pace we have been going at, then yes, I would lock myself away in my house too.  Like Arthur, I too would behind curtains when someone knocks at the door.  

Arthur Pepper is a fine man.  The spirit and sense of adventure his Miriam lived with as a younger woman is akin to what I see Arthur doing today in his later years.  If he is blessed to get a few experiences of travelling and adventure of his own, then all the better.  At least this way, when called to meet his maker, Arthur and Miriam will have no shortage of new topics to discuss over tea.

Dear Me, Get Outta My Way. Love, Me

Writing about a self-help book is an awkward experience.  I am exposing my own weaknesses online, while it is also terribly subjective.

Nevertheless, I found Resisting Happiness to run both hot, and cold.  But since I only care about positives, that’s what my focus will be on.  Written by Matthew Kelly, Resisting Happiness made me stop, and truly think, of how I live my life.

First as a man who believes in God, and next as a Catholic who could use a little work at his practice of faith.

But it wasn’t until I became acutely aware how much I need to put more stock in myself, and less in the expectations of others, that this book had its biggest impact on me.  Basically, I need to become a better version of myself.

This Catholic-based self-help book was a recommendation from a friend of my fiancée and mine. In her text, she sent a picture of her copy with nearly 90+ sheets dog-eared.  The book is 186 pages, people.  She was diggin’ it.

I gave it a go and enjoyed it, too.  In the interest of brevity, I will bullet point my favorite thoughts.  Some triggered an internal “OMG, yes!” and, others serving as gentle reminders.

  1. Everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle.  Be kind to them.
  2. Be gentle with ourselves.  If we cannot forgive ourselves, we will struggle to forgive others.  When we are gentle and patient with ourselves, we develop awareness, and awareness breeds compassion.  Everyone needs a little compassion.
  3. Take note of the moments when I was challenged to grow.  Be mindful of the decisions I made which left me in need of healing (this one is harder than it looks to me).
  4. Thy will be done.  I would pretty much call this an absolute imperative if I want to be better at the Catholic thing.
  5. It only takes 10 minutes a day to pray.
  6. Our lives change when our habits change.
  7. Wherever we find excellence, we find continuous learning.
  8. How many Sundays do I have left?  With the average life expectancy of 78.74 years, I have 1,536 left.  Life is short.  Never waste a day – Sunday or any other.
  9. Any type of inner slavery limits our ability to love ourselves, to love our God, and to love others.
  10. Delay gratification.   All of life’s regrets come from not having the discipline to overcome resistance and delay gratification in order to build a bigger future.

Additionally, I was influenced by the things people wished they had done when they learned they were dying.  He gives us 24, but there were only five that hit me hardest.

  • I wish I had paid less attention to other people’s expectations
  • I wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying about things that never happened
  • I wish I had cared less about what other people thought
  • I wish I had realized earlier that happiness is a choice
  • I wish I had taken better care of myself

Don’t get the wrong idea here.  I am not about to light an incense candle and dive impetuously into the glory and beauty of life and make a hundred changes.  What it does mean, however, is that as a man in his 40’s I can now have a deeper appreciation of those regrets.  It means that I have learned, once again, that I need to be patient with myself.  Lord knows, I need to not be as hard on myself as I am.  Possibly kinder?  Maybe more aware?  Then who knows what the future will hold.  Maybe this wonderfully blessed life of mine can become even better over time …

… provided I get out of my own way, and no longer resist my own happiness.